Polar BUTTS

I wrote this as a paper for my economics class in 12th grade, or so I recall. I’m bored right now, so I felt like putting it on the Internet for all to laugh with (or at). Or not to laugh at, depending on how srs you want to be.

Polar Bears United Together Today Society

I was down at the lodge today and got talking to my friends about our little neck of the ice floe. We got into a rather heated discussion about it. Then my Grandpappy Polar Pete came in, swatted some heads, and was generally a bruiser sort. He started this story about how different the world today; how the youth just don’t know how good they’ve got it. Well, I was of a disagreeable sort with him. He told me about all that ice years ago; I said it made me cold to even think of that much ice. Of course, the amount we’ve got is perfect, almost…

Humans have become rather irritating in the past fifteen years. They have these big glassy and black objects that just appear out of nowhere from beneath the ice. Really now, you’d think they could show a tad site more decency! I’m told it’s the work of this Gore fella’… I like the name myself, but apparently he made some movie called An Inconvenient Truth that talks about the ice disappearing. If you ask me, it’s rather inconvenient these black things keep showing up and breaking up my ice!

Even worse, there’s this positive… geek that gets up every morning that comes out of a tent and watches us for a good twenty minutes. Perv. How would he like it if we decided to come watch him? He seems to have a lot of friends, but they don’t visit him often. One night, we went in there and tipped all his trash cans. It’s what us bears do for a good time. Too bad he doesn’t have any cows (so we could tip them – I love tippin cows).

Our summer home used to be rather… nice. Short, but nice. Well, now it’s getting warmer, and we got this short green stuff that’s sticks up through the ice. My buddy Mo calls it “grass;” what the hell is grass? It’s soft, but damn if I wouldn’t rather have good old ice and snow.

There’ve been these big oddly striped whales started coming through, because we lost enough ice… I didn’t know whales had boxes and sticks attached to em, straight out of their back. You gotta’ wonder, what he’s thinking with that crap on. It’s rather hard to swim straight, you know, like we can (so strong muscular we are).

My other friend, Polar Bob, who is somehow related to my mother’s second cousin (you know how in-laws can be), is a card carrying member of the Polar Bears United Together Today Society. He stopped by the ice bar after Grandpappy got done with us and talked about our new neighbors. They’m’s look a tad bit on the strange side… we’ve been seeing some strange looking animals come with’m to boot. Mosquitoes, I can deal with… when they’re the size of my head though?!

The fish just don’t taste the same either. Maybe the human knows about it. I asked mah mama about the fish, and all she could answer with was with, “PCB.” I’ve since discovered that the fish really don’t taste the same; they have this crap called pesticides in them that gets to high enough concentrations and starts affectin the taste. And the smell. In fact, it seems it has been a while since I last saw my mama’s friend, Freezing Frederickson… Wonder where she went (possibly taken by one of those black things?…).

But the worst of all, is that the ice keeps disappearing. Last summer, it disappeared completely! Did you hear about the other day? Whitiey just lost his fifth patch of ice. My colleagues and I can share similar stories about favorite ice patch, ice skating, and ice floating. Shudder… there’s always more to be had, which is the good thing! Of course, me an the boys came to the conclusion that if the ice keeps disappear’n, we’ll have to lose some weight. All that fat we’ve got just can’t be supported in the summer, what with the amount of time between summer and winter.

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